AmyShould you really be sitting in Sheldon's spot?
RajHe's in Texas, he'll never know.
PennyI wouldn't be so sure about that.
LeonardYeah, he has a very sensitive butt. Well, it's true. Once I saw him sit on a bunch of loose change and add it up.
RajHave you heard from Howard?
BernadetteI did. His talk at NASA went great.
PennySheldon didn't heckle him?
BernadetteNo, in fact, he was so well-behaved, Howie bought him a Buzz Aldrin bobblehead and astronaut ice cream.
StuartHey you guys.
StuartHow's it going?
RajGood. Sheldon's out of town, so we can do whatever we want. We even ordered from the Thai place he doesn't like.
StuartOh, how is it?
PennyDisgusting. Do not tell him.
LeonardWhat do you guys wanna do tonight?
AmyI don't know.
BernadetteWell, I told Howie if I wasn't busy, I'd spend the night at his mom's. So for God's sake, think of something.
RajStuart? Are you okay?
StuartNo, I don't feel so-
LeonardOh, my God, Stuart?
PennyOh, my God, you guys need to do something!
RajWell, it's too late.
LeonardWhat do you mean it's too late?
RajHe's been murdered by someone in this room.
PennyOh, my God.
LeonardOh, come on.
RajWelcome to another classic Koothrappali murder mystery dinner.
RajYou can't leave. You're a suspect in the mysterious murder of Stuart Bloom.
BernadetteI didn't know his last name was Bloom.
AmyYeah, it's Bloom.
PennyAre you really gonna lie on the floor and pretend to be dead all night?
StuartWhat do you think I was gonna do at home?
PennyAre you gonna make us pretend to be a bunch of lame characters with silly accents?
RajLame characters with silly ac-, what kind of actress are you?
PennyYou're right, I'm sorry. Sounds like fun.
PennyThat kind of actress. This sucks.
LeonardCome on, guys. Raj put a lot of effort into this. And that's great. It's not sad, it's great.
AmyI think it might be fun to be someone else tonight.
RajActually, you're all just gonna be yourselves.
BernadetteAll right, if I'm doing this, I'm playing to win, so just to be clear, if we're ourselves, that means one of us killed Stuart?
RajVery good, Bernadette. You are a regular Byomkesh Bakshi.
BernadetteWhat is that, like, the Indian Sherlock Holmes?
RajOr is Sherlock Holmes the English Byomkesh Bakshi?
AmyAccording to Wikipedia, Sherlock Holmes came first.
RajGreat, everyone's a Byomkesh Bakshi. Now, here are some secret facts about each of you, including whether you are the murderer. Throughout the game, feel free to ask each other questions to uncover clues.
PennyGot it. Hey, who's the murderer?
RajAny question but that.
PennySorry. Hey, who's not the murderer?
StuartBernadette, can you not stand so close to me?
BernadetteWhat do you care? You're dead.
StuartSuit yourself. But I can kind of see up your skirt.
A hire car.
SheldonThank you for my bobblehead.
HowardThank you for not making fun of me during my speech.
SheldonIt wasn't easy. Was it Buzz? (Makes the toy's head wobble)
HowardWe can't show up to your mom's empty-handed. We should bring something.
SheldonI already am. I'm bringing the gift of knowledge.
SheldonDespite what her Bible says, recent archaeological studies indicate that although camels are referenced in the Old Testament, they didn't exist in the Middle East until hundreds of years later.
HowardI was gonna say we pick up a cake or a pie. But an insult to her faith is always thoughtful.
BernadetteSo, what happens next?
RajI can't tell you that. But perhaps the killer dropped a fun and imaginative clue somewhere in the apartment.
PennyOoh, I'm gonna check the fridge, and see if there are any clues inside a beer.
AmyHey, I found something. It looks like a little man with a briefcase.
LeonardOh, no, no. That's Clarence Darrow. It's from a game Sheldon made up called Chutes and Lawyers. You slide down a chute and then work your way back up through the appellate system.
RajWell, unlike that, my games are much more fun.
PennyOkay, can I ask you something? Why do you like making us do this stuff?
RajWell, I guess it goes back to when I was a fat kid in India, and didn't have any friends.
BernadetteI didn't know you were fat.
RajYeah, I was. I was 200 pounds by the time I was in middle school. Kids were mean. Cows may be sacred there, but it doesn't help if you look like one. Anyway, I was pretty lonely, so I had to make up my own stories and games, and I promised myself if I ever made any friends that, that I would play those games with them.
AmyThat is so sweet.
LeonardI've seen old pictures of you. You were never a fat kid.
RajNo, I was svelte as a gazelle. A gazelle blessed with a flair for storytelling.
BernadetteHey, what about this? It looks like a receipt.
AmyWhat's it for?
BernadetteFor a cup of coffee. But it's dated 20 years from now.
RajFrom the future? How fun and imaginative.
LeonardSo one of us came back from the future to murder Stuart?
LeonardDoes the gazelle with a flair for storytelling know he's just ripping off Terminator?
RajDoes the smart-ass know that Terminator was actually ripped off from an Outer Limits script called Demon With a Glass Hand, by Harlan Ellison?
LeonardOh, does the gazelle know that according to Harlan Ellison, it was not ripped off from Demon With a Glass Hand, but was ripped off from another Outer Limits script he wrote called The Soldier?
PennyI'm gonna need another clue.
Sheldon's childhood home.
HowardOkay, give me the flowers and pie.
SheldonBut if we show up and you're holding them, she'll think they're only from you.
HowardThey are only from me. You said the gift of you was enough.
SheldonYes, but now that I've seen what the gift of me with flowers and pie looks like, there's no going back. Boy, I can't wait to see the look on her face. We're leaving right now.
HowardWhat? Sheldon, tell me what's going on.
SheldonI saw my mommy with a naked man and she was trying to be a mommy again.
A bar in Texas.
HowardYou ready to talk about it?
SheldonI'm not nearly drunk enough. Okay. Do you have any idea what it's like to see your mother ravaging someone?
HowardDoes a brisket count? I'm sorry, buddy, that's rough. But didn't she know we were coming?
SheldonNo. I wanted to surprise her. What am I supposed to say to her after something like this?
HowardWell, did she see you in the window?
HowardThen don't say anything.
SheldonI have to. How can we ever hope to have a healthy relationship if I don't tell her how disappointed I am, and that I'll never forgive her?
HowardWell, don't do it on the phone.
SheldonNo, I'm just going to tell her I'm coming so she can give that good time Charlie the heave-ho.
HowardThat's some tough talk, I may need to cut you off.
SheldonYeah, maybe you better, I took a pretty big sip.
HowardLook, she's a grown woman. And, your dad's been gone a long time. Maybe this is none of your business.
SheldonI beg to differ. I used to live in those genitals. And if someone wants to move into my old room, I should at least get a vote.
RajOkay, murder suspects, Leonard has found the time machine the killer must've used. You're all inside it, and we hurtle through the very fabric of time. And welcome to 20 years in the future. Hey, you guys just time-travelled. Stop looking so bored.
PennyWell, my beer isn't flat and my rack's not saggy. So far, the future's great.
StuartHey, can I go to the bathroom?
RajFine, just try not to look too alive.
StuartThat's my jam.
BernadetteSo one of us went back in time to kill Stuart?
RajPerhaps this will help. Here are some facts about yourselves in the future that might contain a clue.
AmyHey, I won the Nobel Prize in physiology, then I used the money to buy Stuart's comic book store, and close it down so Sheldon would pay attention to me. Not the worst idea.
PennyHey, I'm a famous actress living in London.
LeonardHmm, I'm a professor at Stanford.
BernadetteSo I guess you two are making it work long distance.
RajOh, no. In this game, as your careers both took off, you drifted apart. Kind of like how future me lost touch with you guys after I became boy toy for the wrinkled, but still flexible, Madonna.
AmyWhat does your card say, Bernadette?
LeonardUh, uh, uh, hang on. Do you think we'd really drift apart if we both became successful?
PennyOf course not. If I became a famous actress and had to move, you would just come with me.
LeonardBut if I get a chance to be a tenured professor, I might not have that much choice in where I end up.
PennyYeah, but if I become a successful actress, we wouldn't need the money.
LeonardWell, you don't go into science for the money.
BernadetteSpeak for yourself. Last month, my company both invented and cured Restless Eye Syndrome. Ka-ching, ya blinky chumps.
PennySo, wait, if my career took me somewhere else, you might not go?
AmyDun, dun, dun. He started it.
RajOkay, okay, guys, new back stories. Uh, Penny and Leonard, you two lovebirds are super successful and living in New York. Uh, you're an actress, you're a professor and you have three beautiful kids.
PennyReally? You think I'm putting this body through three kids?
Sheldon's childhood home.
SheldonOkay, let's do this.
SheldonYou, aren't you gonna come with me?
HowardWhile you confront your mother about her sex life? I'd rather go back to that bar in assless chaps.
Sheldon(Knock, knock, knock) Mother? Mother? Mother?
Mrs CooperShelly, I'm so glad you're here.
SheldonI saw you having naked sex.
Mrs CooperWhat are you talking about?
SheldonEarlier, I came here to surprise you. I looked in the window and I saw you with a man.
Mrs CooperOh, Shelly, I'm so sorry. Come in. Um, maybe we should sit down and talk about this.
SheldonCan you recommend a surface you haven't had coitus on?
Mrs CooperThat's not funny. Maybe we should sit at the table. Well, I'm sure that, uh, you have a lot of questions.
SheldonWho was he?
Mrs CooperHis name is Ron. I met him at my prayer group.
SheldonHow long have you been involved with him?
Mrs CooperA few months.
SheldonAnd of those few months, how long have you been a demented sex pervert?
Mrs CooperThat is no way to speak to your mother.
SheldonPerhaps not. But it is a way to speak to a woman who quoted the Bible to me my whole life, and then desecrates one of Ethan Allen's finest sofas.
Mrs CooperI will give you one opportunity, young man, to apologize.
Mrs CooperOr I will send you to your room.
SheldonThat's ridiculous. I am a grown man. I am a professional scientist. And I currently occupy the moral high ground.
Mrs CooperGo to your room.
SheldonBut I occupy the moral high ground.
Mrs CooperGo to your room.
SheldonBut I'm a professional scientist.
MrsGo to your room!
SheldonI'm a grown man.
RajCan we please get back to the game?
LeonardI-I-in a minute. I-I don't understand why any success you have in acting is more important than any I have in science.
PennyOkay, if you do something cool in science, you might change the world. If I become a famous actress, I'm not gonna tell you why movie stars are the best. They just are.
AmyI'm surprised you guys never talked about this stuff.
LeonardLike you and Sheldon have everything figured out?
AmyActually, our relationship agreement covers a wide array of scenarios, including career changes, financial instability, intelligent dog uprising. FYI, we plan on selling out the human race hard.
PennyIn 20 years, who knows what'll happen with any of us?
StuartI think you and Leonard will be together.
StuartYeah. I think you're the best couple I know.
PennyThat's so sweet.
BernadetteWhat the hell?
PennyAh-da-da-da-da, let the dead man talk. So, why do you think that?
StuartUh, well, I feel like you guys make each other better. Penny brought Leonard out of his shell. And it seems like Leonard makes Penny think more deeply about the world. I don't know. Together, you two kind of make one awesome person.
PennyAw, Stuart. Now I feel bad for murdering you.
RajOh, come on.
BernadettePenny did it, I win. Suck it, jackasses.
Sheldon's old bedroom.
HowardHey, can I come in?
SheldonApparently any man is welcome in this house. Why not you? I thought you were waiting in the car.
HowardThat was an hour ago, Sheldon. A Jew sits in front of a house in Texas that long, For Sale signs start to go up. I take it things didn't go smoothly with your mom.
SheldonNo. I'm not sure how we're going to get past this.
HowardYou know, I, I sort of went through something like this myself.
SheldonHoward, we've all seen your mother naked. That woman needs to learn how to tie a robe.
HowardI'm talking about when my mom started seeing someone a couple of years after my dad left.
SheldonI didn't know she did.
HowardYeah, she was dating this guy, and I was kind of a jerk to her about it.
SheldonWhat did you do?
HowardWell, let's just say it was the most vicious bar mitzvah speech in the history of Temple Beth El. Anyway, she broke up with him. And she's basically been alone ever since. She never said it, but I always felt I was the reason why.
SheldonI'm sorry. Although, based on your story, you absolutely were the reason why.
HowardAll I'm saying is you might not wanna get in the way of your mom's happiness.
SheldonYou may have a point. I love my mother. Even if she fornicates like a demonic weasel.
HowardAnd the healing begins.
Mrs Cooper's living room.
Mrs CooperHello. Are you ready to discuss this calmly, like adults?
Mrs CooperShelly, I'm sorry that you saw what you saw. I know that this is hard for you.
SheldonI think what most upsets me about it, Mother, is the hypocrisy. Doesn't this contradict all the religious rules you've been espousing your whole life?
Mrs CooperYou're right, it does, and it's something that I'm struggling with these days.
SheldonThen why are you doing it?
Mrs CooperBecause I'm not perfect, Shelly. And that man's booty is.
SheldonWell, this is confusing for me. But I don't wanna stand in the way of your happiness. So, I'll condemn you internally while maintaining an outward appearance of acceptance.
Mrs CooperThat is very christian of you.
SheldonMother, if you're going to conduct your life in this fashion, then I should let you know that the world has changed since you were a young woman. You know, it's not all sock hops, soda jerks and segregation anymore.
Mrs CooperHow old do you think I am?
SheldonMy point is that you're going to need to be careful. You used to be protected by your pre-Enlightenment mythology, but now you're going to need a stronger friend named latex.
Mrs CooperAre you having the sex talk with me?
SheldonWell, someone has to.
Mrs CooperOh, dear Lord.
SheldonNo, don't look to Him. He's mad at you right now.
PennyOh, come on, don't pout. I'm sorry I ruined your game.
RajI'm not pouting, I'm brooding. Which is how sexy men pout.
AmyIt actually was kind of fun.
RajYou're just saying that.
BernadetteI liked the time travel element.
RajThank you. I thought it was inspired.
LeonardIt was. By Terminator.
BernadetteWell, I hope 20 years from now, we really are all still together and still friends.
LeonardOf course. Well, hey, how about this? Whether we're friends, not friends, scattered around the world, no matter what, let's all promise to meet in front of this building exactly 20 years from tonight at 8:00 p.m. and have dinner like we always do.
PennyI love it.
LeonardPutting it in my phone right now.
PennyYeah, me too.
StuartMy phone doesn't have a calendar. So I'll just write it on my hand.
RajAnd it's done.
PennyYup, we're all in.
LeonardAll right, I'll see you guys in 20 years.
In front of the building, 20 years later.
StuartI knew it.