The upstairs landing of Mrs Wolowitz's house.
BernadetteAlmost there. You're doing great.
HowardThanks for lifting my spirits. Next time, try lifting the box.
Mrs Wolowitz(Off) I don't need a treadmill.
HowardThe doctor says you need to get exercise.
Mrs WolowitzI get plenty of exercise.
HowardCrushing my will to live isn't exercise.
RajIf she isn't gonna use it, then why are we doing this?
HowardShe'll use it. All I need is to rig it with a fishing pole and a HoneyBaked Ham.
RajAll right. Now what?
BernadetteWe set it up in Howie's old room.
RajDo you know how to set it up?
HowardPlease, I'm an MIT-trained engineer. I think I can handle- Ma, look out.
Mrs WolowitzAaaaah! I told you this thing would kill me.
RajSo she's gonna be laid up for at least six weeks.
LeonardPoor Mrs Wolowitz.
AmyShould we do something for her?
SheldonI know. Let's go see the new Spider-Man movie.
AmySheldon, we're talking about your friend's mother. She got hurt.
SheldonI thought that subject had run its course, so I changed it. It's called reading the room, Amy.
LeonardHey, how were things on the set?
PennyUh, pretty good, actually.
RajSo the movie's not as bad as you thought?
PennyOh, no, it is, but I decided instead of complaining about it, I'm just gonna go in every day and give it my all.
AmyGood for you.
PennyThanks. There's no reason why I shouldn't be the best bisexual go-go dancer slowly transforming into a killer gorilla anyone's ever seen.
LeonardI don't know. The bisexual gorilla go-go dancer in Schindler's List is tough to beat.
SheldonAh, very good. Because a gorilla go-go dancer of any sexual preference would be out of place in a film about the Holocaust.
LeonardIt only gets funnier when you explain it, Sheldon.
Mrs Wolowitz's house.
HowardOkay, she's all settled in the guest room.
BernadetteMaybe we should get one of those machines to help her up the stairs.
HowardYou mean a forklift?
HowardI'm sorry. I just can't deal with this right now.
BernadetteTaking care of your own mother? How can you say that?
HowardBernie, she's gonna be off her feet for six to eight weeks. Are you prepared to feed her, wash her and take her to the toilet?
BernadetteI would do it for my mother.
HowardYeah, of course you would, you're a loving person. I'm what my people would call a putz.
BernadetteLook, I'm not crazy about the idea, but what other choice do we have?
HowardWe get a nurse. Preferably someone from a third world country who's used to suffering and unpleasant smells.
BernadetteYou'd hire a total stranger to take care of the woman who raised you? That's so cruel.
HowardNot if we pay them well and let them listen to the music of their homeland.
Mrs Wolowitz(Off) I need to tinkle.
HowardSounds like a job for a loving person. Would you like me to play some Polish music while you carry her to the toilet?
BernadetteYou are a putz.
SheldonThanks for coming with me.
RajThanks for inviting me after everyone else said no. Aren't you gonna get 3-D glasses?
SheldonI brought my own. No sense in risking bridge-of-nose herpes.
RajIs that a real thing?
SheldonWell, until they invent nose condoms, I'm not finding out.
EmilyOh, hey, Raj.
RajUh, this is my friend, Sheldon. Sheldon, this is Emily.
SheldonOh, yes, you're the dermatologist. I went for a walk yesterday without sunscreen. Do you see anything on my forehead that I should be concerned about?
EmilyUm, you know what? I better go. My movie's about to start.
RajAre you here alone?
EmilyNo, not really.
RajWhat do you mean, not really?
ManHey, should we get our seats?
EmilyYeah. It was nice seeing you. Um, I'll call you later.
SheldonThat was awkward, right?
SheldonIs it because she's dating you but was out with that other fellow?
SheldonGood. I thought she saw something on my forehead.
The movie set.
Wil WheatonPlease don't shut me out.
PennyGo away. Just go away.
WilI swear, I will find a way to turn you back.
PennyWhat gave you the right to mix my DNA with that of a killer gorilla?
WilI was trying to save your life.
PennyLife? What life? Look at me, I'm a monster. And now I have blood on my hands, or paws. I don't know.
WilYou can't give up. I love you.
PennyI love you, too. But I'm afraid I love killing more. Like, one day, I might actually try and kill you.
DirectorAnd cut. All right. All right, let's set up for the next scene.
PennyActually, you know what? Can we do one more? I think I could do it better.
DirectorLet's just move on. No one cares.
PennyWell, I care. I mean, look, if we're gonna do this, why not try and make it something we're actually proud of?
DirectorLook, sweetie, this movie is garbage, but you should be happy about that, 'cause if it was a good movie, you wouldn't be in it.
LeonardWhoa, whoa, hang on. There's no need to insult her.
DirectorAnd who are you?
LeonardI'm her boyfriend.
DirectorIsn't she too hot for you?
LeonardA little, yeah.
DirectorWell, boyfriend, get off my set.
PennyYou can't do that. He's with me.
DirectorYou know what? You can get off my set, too. You're fired.
PennyWhat? You can't fire me. I'm the star. I'm the girl that goes bananas. It says so on the poster.
DirectorYeah, but we just shot the last scene where we see your face. So from now own, the star of the movie is whoever wears this. (Grabs a mask)
WilHey, if you're gonna fire her, then you have to fire me, too.
WilWow, that fell apart really fast.
RajThanks for skipping the movie. I couldn't sit in that theatre for two hours wondering about Emily and that guy.
SheldonOh, quite all right. After my forehead melanoma scare I've learned not to sweat the small stuff. Well, sorry, I don't have all the ingredients to make chai tea.
RajYou don't have to make me anything.
SheldonNo, I do. You're upset about Emily and you're Indian. I need to make you chai tea. Now, I have all the ingredients except cardamom seeds. Do you happen to have any on you?
RajSorry, I left them in my turban.
SheldonOh, I'll make English breakfast tea. They destroyed your culture. That's close enough. You know, I'm curious, why are you so upset about seeing Emily with another man?
RajWouldn't you be upset if you saw Amy out with someone else?
SheldonCan't happen. We have an ironclad relationship agreement which precludes her from physical contact with anyone other than me.
RajBut you don't have sex with her, either.
RajTo be truthful, Emily and I haven't dated that long, and we never agreed to be exclusive to each other.
SheldonHave you had intercourse?
SheldonWell, stick to your guns. There will be a lot of pressure.
Mrs Wolowitz's house.
Mrs Wolowitz(Off) I'm hungry again.
HowardIt's like the world's fattest cuckoo clock.
BernadetteYou know, you're always talking about having a baby someday. This is exactly what it's gonna be like.
HowardNo, it's not.
BernadetteCome on. The constant fussing, eating, pooping, burping, drooling. We're even waiting for the day when she can finally walk on her own.
HowardMaybe you're right. Anything she finds on the floor goes right in her mouth.
BernadetteI'm just telling you now, if we do have kids, don't expect me to do all the work.
HowardHey, I'm a very paternal person. I'd be excellent at taking care of a baby.
Mrs WolowitzI'm still hungry.
HowardI'm coming, you big baby.
PennyYou know, the only thing worse than doing a movie where they glue monkey hair to your ass is getting fired from a movie where they glue monkey hair to your ass.
WilForget it, man, it's crap. You just move on to the next thing.
PennyYeah, well, it's easy for you to say. You used to be famous.
WilHey. I just lost a job for you.
PennyAll right, I'm sorry, you're famous.
WilPenny, it's not about being famous. It's about the art. It's about the passion we have for our craft. (Text message tone) I have an audition for Sharknado 2. If I book this, I am totally gonna pay you back for this beer.
PennyGod, what am I doing with my life?
LeonardYou having second thoughts about acting?
PennyYou were on set, you saw what it was like.
LeonardYeah, but it's not always that bad.
LeonardWhat about when you did, uh, Anne Frank at that cute little theater?
PennyIt was over a bowling alley.
LeonardYeah, but there was ample parking.
PennyAre you done?
LeonardAnd you were so good in the TV commercial.
PennyIt was for haemorrhoid cream.
LeonardAnd I got itchy and swollen just watching you.
PennyLeonard, you are really not cheering me up.
LeonardCome on. How can you be sad when you're going home with all five-foot-six of this?
PennyHmm. You think you're five-foot-six, that's funny.
RajI don't understand it. I'm a nice guy, I have a great job, I'm well-educated, come from a good family. Why don't women wanna be with me?
SheldonAn interesting question. Well, good night.
RajWhat? Don't send me home. I can't be alone right now.
SheldonThat's your problem. You can't be alone.
RajWhat do you mean?
SheldonHow many women have you had dates with?
SheldonHow many of those women did you think would become your perfect companion?
RajEleven. Wait. Do I count the 200-pound Sailor Moon girl that Howard and I had a threesome with at Comic Con?
RajI'll stick with eleven. She liked Howard better.
SheldonWell, now do you see the problem?
RajMaybe. I, I don't know.It's late, I should, I should go. Look, I-I do get what you're saying. Instead of desperately clinging to any woman who will go out with me, I need to work on my fear of being alone.
SheldonI was trying to suggest chemical castration, but it's my bedtime, so whatever gets you out the door. Good night.
Mrs Wolowitz's house.
BernadetteHowie, I'm back!
HowardShh, I just got her to sleep.
HowardWhat took you so long? The grocery store is a few blocks away.
BernadetteThey only had regular yoghurt. I had to go to a different store to get the extra-fat kind your mom likes.
HowardThen why do I smell coffee on your breath?
BernadetteSo what? After two days of taking care of her, excuse me for stopping to get a mocha.
HowardA mocha? Well, it must be nice to be queen.
BernadetteQueen? I've been killing myself here.
HowardWell, whose fault is that? I wanted to get a nurse, but you were all, I'm nice, I wanna take care of people.
BernadetteI'm glad I got that mocha. And you know what else I'm glad about? I bought you a brownie and I ate it in the car.
HowardThanks a lot. Now I have to go rub her belly again.
EmilyThanks for letting me come over.
RajOf course. Please, come in.
EmilyI just wanted to say how sorry I am about tonight, and I wanna make sure that we're okay.
RajUh, look, you and I haven't made any commitments to each other.
EmilyI know. I just felt like I needed to explain. The guy I was with did my last tattoo, and he's been asking me out for months. I finally said yes just to get it over with.
RajWell, I mean, yeah, it freaked me out a little, but that's my issue, not yours.
EmilyWow. If I saw you out with another woman, I'd be pretty upset.
RajThank you. Not just for being upset, but for believing that could happen.
EmilyJust so you know, I'm not seeing anyone else.
RajWell, me neither.
RajOkay. Please. (Motions for her to sit down) So, uh, you, you have tattoos?
RajI don't. I have a hole in my belly button that may or may not have been a piercing.
RajIt's a piercing. So, uh, how many tattoos?
EmilyOne on my shoulder, one not on my shoulder and one really not on my shoulder.
RajIt's, uh, been a long time since I've seen a girl's really not her shoulder.
EmilyWell, how about you show me your piercing and I show you my tattoos? (They kiss)
RajBut, uh, before I take my shirt off, I just need like ten minutes to do some crunches.
PennyOh, my God. What a day.
LeonardCan I get you anything?
PennyNo. I need to start making some smart decisions.
LeonardWith your career?
PennyWith my life.
PennyI don't know. We could get married.
LeonardCome on, be serious.
LeonardWhy? Because I'm a, a smart decision?
LeonardSo I'm like a bran muffin.
PennyNo, that's not what I'm saying.
LeonardNo, it's exactly what you're saying. I'm the boring thing you're choosing because I'm good for you.
PennyWhat does it matter? The point is, I'm choosing you.
LeonardWell, it matters a lot. I don't wanna be a bran muffin. I, I wanna be a Cinnabon, you know? A strawberry Pop-Tart. Something you're excited about even though it could give you diabetes.
PennySweetie, you can be any pastry you want.
LeonardNo, no. No, it's too late. I'm your bran muffin. Probably fat-free and good for your colon.
PennyYou know what? Forget it. I never should've brought it up.
LeonardYou know I wanna marry you, but you're only doing this because you got fired and you're feeling sorry for yourself.
PennyOkay, it may look that way, but getting fired from that movie was the best thing that could've happened to me, okay? I finally realize I don't need to be famous or have some big career to be happy.
LeonardThen what do you need?
PennyYou, you stupid Pop-Tart.
LeonardOh. Then I guess I'm in.
PennyReally? You guess you're in?
LeonardNot like, I guess I'm in. Like I guess, I'm in!
LeonardSo is that it? Are, are we engaged?
PennyYeah, I think so.
LeonardI'm not sure. Just feels a little anticlimactic.
PennyYeah, it kinda does, huh?
LeonardOh, I know. This might help.
PennyWhere did you get a ring?
LeonardI've had it for a couple years, not important. Penny, will you marry me?
PennyOh my God, yes.
LeonardThis would've been so much more romantic if you didn't have monkey hair on your finger.
Mrs Wolowitz's house.
HowardHow you feeling?
BernadetteLast night was a little rough, but I think we're gonna get through this.
HowardI'm proud of us.
Mrs WolowitzWhere's my pancakes?!
Foreign NurseComing, Mrs Wolowitz!
BernadetteYou were right.
HowardWelcome to Team Putz.